The Shadow of Doubt
by EveryoneNeedsA.Sneed
Summary: There's more to Lily's past, and present, that people know of.
1. Default Chapter

Summary: Dear Diary, Sometimes I get this feeling... Like, half of me is missing. I never feel complete. Ever. When I was young I just thought that I was lonely because I was.different. Nobody ever wanted to play with me. Except this one little boy. He was my best friend. My only friend. But now is different. I finally have everything I want. Except for one thing. An answer.  
~L.E.~  
  
Author's Note:  
  
Hello everybody. This is my first fanfic so I'm not really good at everything and stuff. I hope you will excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes. I'm not that good in writing. I also don't know how to respond to reviews so it would be nice if I got a clue. Thanks to all my reviewers. I'm really happy. I'm not that good in updating chapters, but I hope that it would satisfy you. Thanks and hope you like my story.  
  
Falling Apart  
  
We used to be best friends, Sharing everything with each other. But now you're hiding something, that makes us fall apart.  
  
We used to be the best of friends, Laughing and giggling, It just breaks my heart, To see our friendship die.  
  
I cry myself to sleep, Thinking back to our old memories. Waiting 'til you'll tell me, Our friendship will last forever.  
  
But yet I feel, someday, You'll say, " I don't think we should be friends anymore." That's the day I'll know from that our friendship was dying.  
  
I'll wait here for you, To make your decision, To fall apart or stick together, But no matter what, You have a place in my heart, And the good 'ol memories, Of you and me together.  
  
I'll wait here. Hoping.  
  
~L.E.~  
  
I closed my diary and sighed. How did things get so complicated? It seemed like just yesterday, my world was perfect. I had it just the way I wanted it, but now my world is upside down. I know for a fact now that the feeling isn't just being lonely, it's more than that. I looked at the clock. In half an hour, I would be fifteen. I was scared, but yet, I was anxious too.  
  
In two days she would be going off back home, to Hogwarts. She would be glad to go back getting away from the hell here. If her dad had found her awake, she would get it. She knew her dad loved her, but things have gone so wrong. Ever since her mother died, everyone and everything had changed.  
Fifteen minutes.The big jump from fourteen to fifteen in fifteen minutes. Lily was a very beautiful girl. She had inherited her mother's deep, dark, and wavy auburn hair and her grace and elegance. She had the same vibrant emerald almond-shaped eyes as her father. She had a slim figure, but it wasn't a sickly skinny look. Five minutes. Just then an owl swooped into my room. I recognized this owl as Bridgette's. The owl was a dark gray with golden eyes. It stuck its foot out and I took the letter from its leg. I gave her a soft pet and she hooted appreciatively. I slowly and carefully took out the letter from inside the envelope.  
Dear Lily, Happy Birthday! I knew you wouldn't be getting many presents for your birthday so I just had to get you something, of course, I would've anyways. I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts. Can you go to Diagon Alley with me tomorrow? Tell me ASAP. I hope you love you present and hope to see you tomorrow. Best wishes, Bridgette I smiled. I knew Bridgette would have sent me something. I wrote on the back.  
Dear Bridgette, Thank you so much! I'm pretty sure I can sneak out tomorrow. How about you meet me in the Leaky Cauldron at 9. If I'm not there by 9:30, don't wait up. And don't worry about me. Is Clarissa and Amy going to be there? Love, ~Lily~ I sealed my letter and tied it to Storm's(Bridgette's owl) leg. I opened the window and she was off. I smiled to myself. Bridgette Chang was my best friend. She was very pretty. She had long, straight black hair, warm chocolate eyes and she was tough, but sweet. She was also a muggleborn like me. She was 5'4, same as me. Then I just realized that there was still a small dark green box on my bed. I picked it up tenderly and opened it. I gasped. It was the most beautiful necklace I have ever seen. The necklace had a crystal lily that changed colors. I loved it. I put it around my neck and admired it. I knew I wouldn't let my father see. He would take it away. So I took it off and placed it in the box and put it in my trunk for Hogwarts. I then realized that I was already fifteen and I didn't know it. It was 12:05 in the morning. I hadn't gotten any sleep and I was dead tired. Then Storm came back with the reply from Bridgette. It read.  
Dear Lily, I do worry about you. I hope you don't get in trouble for sneaking off. How about after we go shopping for school supplies, you can stay at my house and we can go to King's Cross station together. So bring your trunk and money. Clarissa and Amy are coming yes. Best wishes, Bridgette. Amy and Clarissa were my other best friends. Amy Ashwinder had layered, chestnut brown hair that went to her shoulders and hazel eyes. She was really bright (even though she was muggleborn) and we had met in third year. She was 5'3, just an inch shorter than I am.  
Clarissa Boyer was the classic teenage girl. She had blonde hair with light brown highlights and deep blue eyes. She loved shopping, boys, and flirting. Typical. She had a perfect figure, she was 5'6, two inches shorter than I am. We met last year and she was a pureblood.  
I wrote back to Bridgette saying.  
Dear Bridgette,  
I'd love to stay over at your house. It's better than hanging around here. Oh, and thanks for that beautiful necklace! I loved it.  
Love,  
~Lily~ Once again, I tied it to Storm who looked rather annoyed at being sent across so many times but flew off anyways.  
A different owl came in and startled me. It had my Hogwarts letter. I was wondering when I would get it. I took off the letter and opened the envelope. The usual welcome back letter and supply list. I looked over the supply list estimating how much money I would need. But there was something else also. A prefect badge.  
Then another owl, a light beige one soared into my room. Amy's. I took off the letter and read it.  
Dear Lily,  
Happy Birthday! I'm sorry that it took awhile, I had to wait for Pecker to come back. Anyways, how are you doing? I can't wait for tomorrow. Hope you like your presents.  
Always,  
Amy P.S. Clarissa couldn't find her owl so she asked me to tell you happy birthday and she gave me your present to give to you.  
Again. Always,  
Amy I looked to Pecker and found she was also carrying two big packages. I opened the first one from Clarissa. Of course, it was the whole makeup kit. Just like hers. I wasn't surprised. I opened the second package and in it was a magic crystal ball. Inside were tiny figurines of us. Whenever you shook it, they became alive. 'Wow' I thought. I wrote her a quick letter saying thanks and told her to tell thanks for the gift to Clarissa.  
By the time I was finished putting everything away, it was already 1 in the morning. I yawned and decided to go to bed. I was dead tired and fell asleep immediately.  
************ " Get up you good-for-nothing piece of shit!" the oh too familiar screech I had heard too many times. " Go away Petunia." I said groggily. " You had better wake up before Dad comes up here!" I shot up immediately. My sister had a smirk on her face. I wasn't scared of my dad beating me, I had just remembered that I had to get to the Leaky Cauldron by 9:30 or else my friends would start worrying. " Ok Petunia, I'm up, now go away." " Hmph!" and with that, she turned on her heel and slammed the door shut. I turned to the clock not really wanting to know what time it was. 8:30. Not bad. I quickly got dressed and gathered my things. I took a peek out from my door. I can't call him "Dad" so John and Petunia were eating breakfast. I slipped through my window lugging my trunk. I hit the ground. Ouch. I slipped through the gate as quietly as I could and stuck up my right hand with my wand. The Knight Bus jumped up in front of me. I quickly walked in. " Hello miss. I'm Glor-" " Thank you here you go. I would like to get to the Leaky Cauldron" And I handed her some silver. I took a spot not far from the door and the Knight Bus zoomed off to the heart of London.  
********** "James, get down here! Breakfast is ready!" I sat up groggily. 'God, I didn't get any sleep last night.' I got dressed in anything I could find and came down to a delicious breakfast. "Thanks Mom." " Your welcome James. Here's your Hogwarts letter. We are going to Diagon Alley today so hurry up." " Ok." Is all I said. Entering my fifth year into Hogwarts, I was excited to be able to do magic and pranks. I owled Sirius and Remus that I was going to go to Diagon Alley and I would meet them by the Quidditch Shop. I got up from breakfast and took a short shower. I got dressed and ready and came down. " Let's go dear, we are flooing to the Leaky Cauldron." My mom said. " Ok." I took a fistful of floo powder and. " The Leaky Cauldron!" and I was spinning in the usual green flames that engulfed me. I stepped out of the fireplace coughing and cleaned myself off. I didn't bother waiting for my parents and went to the back to get to Diagon Alley to find Remus and Sirius. After the brick wall transformed into the archway to Diagon Alley I stepped through the very busy street on Diagon Alley. I headed towards the Quidditch Shop and accidentally bumped into a very red- headed girl, but I didn't bother say sorry. I wanted to find Sirius and Remus. I heard her say, " Ugh, that idiot. Didn't even say sorry!" It didn't bother me much as I found Sirius and Remus. "Hey Padfoot, Moony!" "Hello Prongs." "Hey, how's it going Prongs!" "Not bad. Where's Wormtail?" " Who cares?" "He's coming later." "Ok." "Come on let's go look at the Quidditch Shop!" " No I think we should get our supplies first." "Oh come on! Lighten up Moony!" "Ok. Fine." And the Marauders minus Peter walked into the Quidditch Shop.  
********** And the Knight Bus came to a sudden stop. Lily was more than happy to get off. She hated that bus.  
She walked into the Leaky Cauldron meeting her friends just before 9:05. "Hey Lily!" "Hi Lily!" "How are you doing Lils?" "Hi guys! I'm great! How are you doing?" "Good." They all answered at once. " Come on let's go!" As they walked out onto Diagon Alley, James Potter walked straight into Lily. Her friends had just caught her. " Ugh. That idiot. Didn't even say sorry." "Forget him."said Bridgette. "He is soooo cute! I mean, ya forget him!" "Let's just get this over with so we can go to Bridgette's to party." I said. After what seemed like hours of running around here and there, they finally finished and went to Florence's Ice Cream Shop for a break. Coincidently, the Marauders had also just finished their shopping and decided to get ice cream.  
"Hey look, it's those dumb Marauders." Said Bridgette.  
"Yes, unfortunately, we have to go through another year with them." I said, sadly.  
"If you don't bother them, they won't bother us." Said Amy.  
"They bug me not matter what." I said. Clarissa just kept eating her ice cream, not wanting to join in the conversation.  
"Oh, did I tell you guys, I'm a prefect!"  
"Excellent! I wonder who the other prefect for Gryffindor is. Anyways, you can finally give the Marauders what they deserve!" said Bridgette.  
"What do we deserve?" said the leader of the Marauders.  
"Some discipline." I said disgusted.  
"Come on girls, I just lost my appetite." Said Clarissa. We all got up and Clarissa flicked back her perfect blonde hair.  
"I agree." James sighed. "Well, we know who to put our first prank on."  
An evil grin spread across James' and Sirius' faces. 


	2. Home,Sweet,Home

The long way to Hogwarts was boring. We made small talk amongst ourselves until we had visitors.  
  
"Hello ladies."  
  
I rolled my eyes. " Not you again Potter."  
  
He put on a small pout, "Didn't you miss us?"  
  
"No and we never will."Bridgette said with edge in her voice.  
  
"Oh that hurts." Sirius said sarcastically.  
  
"Uh-huh, whatever. What do you want?"  
  
"Nothing. We just decided to stop by and we'll see you in the Great Hall." James finished and winked at me on the way out.  
  
"Oh my God Potter is soooo hot!" Clarissa exclaimed.  
  
"Shut up Clarissa." Bridgette said.  
  
The sky was getting darker from outside and it started raining. I became incredibly tired and fell asleep.  
  
"Mom, can't I got outside?"  
  
"No sweetie, it's raining and cold outside. You might get sick. Why don't you go upstairs and play with Petunia or something?"  
  
"Ok Mommy."  
  
I ran up the stairs to Petunia's room.  
  
"Petunia, will you play with me? I'm not allowed to go outside and I'm bored."  
  
"No I'm busy, go away. Why don't you just play with some of your friends."  
  
Hot tears sprang into my eyes.  
  
"But Petunia. I don't. I don't."  
  
"You don't what? Oh that's right! You don't have any friends. Opps! I forgot!"  
  
I rushed out of her room with tears pouring down my face. I ran to my room and jumped on my bed, crying into my pillow. Why does she hate me so much? What did I do?  
  
Suddenly that feeling came over me again. I groaned in misery. Why was I always so lonely? Why did I never feel complete?  
  
"Um. are you okay?"  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Are you sure you want me to go?"  
  
I looked up to find a skinny little boy with jet-black hair that stuck everywhere.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"I'm James Potter, your new neighbor. And you are?"  
  
"I'm Lily Evans."  
  
"Lily. Lily. Lily! LILY!"  
  
I jerked awake. "Huh?"  
  
"Come on sleepyhead, it's time to go." Bridgette said.  
  
"Oh, yeah, right."  
  
Again that feeling was with me, lingering from my past. I don't know what it was, it was indescribable.  
  
"Are you feeling alright Lily?" Amy said with concern in her voice.  
  
"Ya, I'm fine. Just a little sleepy." I said. She frowned. "You were asleep for quite awhile."  
  
"Well I didn't get much sleep last night."  
  
"Oh okay." She kept frowning.  
  
"Don't worry about me. I'll be okay." Or would I be?  
************ We entered on the train for the fifth time and found our usual compartment.  
  
"So, how do you think the girls will react to our plan?" Sirius said anxiously.  
  
"It will be one heck of a surprise for them. Come on. Let's visit them now."  
  
I barged into their compartment. "Hello ladies."  
  
Evans rolled her eyes. " Not you again Potter."  
  
I put on a small pout, "Didn't you miss us?"  
  
"No and we never will."Bridgette said with edge in her voice.  
  
"Oh that hurts." Padfoot said sarcastically.  
  
"Uh-huh, whatever. What do you want?"  
  
"Nothing. We just decided to stop by and we'll see you in the Great Hall." I finished and winked at Evans on the way out.  
  
She looked familiar and her in a way. Like I already knew her. I just couldn't find her name. I sighed. This will be bugging me until I remembered who she was.  
  
"Hey Prongs, what's up?" Moony asked.  
  
"Nothing, just, tired that's all."  
  
"Oh okay."  
  
We walked into our compartment when the food trolley came by and we bought more food than I needed or wanted.  
  
"Ohhhh, I can't wait to see the looks on their faces." Padfoot said.  
  
"Yeah, it's going to be funny." I said, not really interested in the conversation. There was more on my mind. Where had I known her before. I gave up hope knowing that I would remember eventually.  
  
We conversed about new secret passages and more pranks to pull on Snivellus. Slowly the train came to a stop. Finally I thought to myself.  
  
When we got off the train I heard the usual "Firs' years! Firs' years! O'er here!" from Hagrid. We all got in the same horseless carriage and we were off.  
********* When I got off the train I could breathe again. I heard Hagrid's usual "Firs' years! Firs' years! O'er here!". Ah, music to my ears. I smiled warmly at Hagrid and he winked.  
  
We all got on a carriage and didn't talk much since the ride was short. The usual Sorting Ceremony for the first years in the Great Hall was of course, boring. Everyone else was starving including me.  
  
Potter and his friends came along and Potter said, "Gotcha." And walked away.  
  
"What is he talking about?" Amy asked.  
  
I frowned."I don't know, but it can't be something good."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Hello everyone. I hope you're reading this right now. Anyways, I know it's a really crappy chapter but I can't think of anything else and I know it's a bit boring, but hang on there. Please. Firstly, I need some help on finding a really good prank to put on Lily's "gang". If you can think of a really good prank, then please put it in a review and and press the little submit button. Thanks. And secondly,I wanted to make a change in the story. In the first chapter, where I'm describing Lily, and said that she had her mom's hair and grace and elegance, and her dad's eyes. FORGET ALL OF IT! Here is the revised one that I have made. Please read.  
  
Lily was a beautiful girl. She had deep, wavy auburn hair and vibrant, emerald green, almond-shaped eyes. Her skin was a luscious peach color and her slim figure looked fragile. She was a petite 5'4 and looked nothing like her parents.  
  
Her mom had had short blonde hair and brown eyes. She was 5'8 and her figure was average.Her dad had short black hair and blue eyes. He was strong and 6'1. Her dad loved her mom.  
  
Petunia was a skinny tall girl with her mother's blonde hair and her dad's blue eyes. She was 5'10 and had a lot of neck. Petunia was older than Lily by four years. Lily always found it strange that she looked absolutely nothing alike her family. (continued from, "Five minutes. Just then an owl swooped into my room." And so on) .....................  
  
Yeah that's that. I wanted to change it because- nevermind. I won't tell you now. I hope you will excuse my having to change that. I know this story seems a lot like the rest, but I hope you like it anyways. Bye now!  
  
-KitKatAS- 


	3. Reality

Can you not hear my cries of wretchedness?  
  
Can you not see my tears of loneliness?  
  
You're so blinded and deafened by this world,  
  
Not knowing what is true and what is false,  
  
But believing anything you want to believe.  
  
Not being true to anyone,  
  
Nor yourself.  
  
How can you be so trusting?  
  
Making you vulnerable, weak.  
  
Can you not see that?  
  
Can you not taste that bitterness in the world?  
  
Can you not feel the fire of this living Hell?  
  
Does it not burn you?  
  
What can I do to stop this imposterous world?  
  
This world full of people that can't be themselves.  
  
False. But what is real?  
  
What is true?  
  
What, who, can I trust?  
  
I have been burned by the flames of Hell,  
  
I have tasted that sour bitterness of this world,  
  
I have seen the real world, what it has become,  
  
And I have heard my own cries, echoing.  
  
Bouncing off walls continually.  
  
When will someone enter my world?  
  
Am I alone? Alone to die of pure hatred and falseness?  
  
Never being able to stand up again?  
  
When will someone hear my voice, see my tears, witness what is real?  
  
Is this the way it is supposed to be?  
  
Is this what God had wanted?  
  
When will someone's eyes be opened to the horrible pleas of help,  
  
Pleas to have their hearts unlocked, unleashed, to be whom they are,  
  
Not what people want them to be?  
  
Can you not feel, see, hear, taste, reality?  
  
~L.E.~  
  
I closed my journal and sighed. I looked at my journal, a thick hardbound book, a deep, entrancing color of the darkest shade of green imaginable. It was the only thing I had. The only thing I could ever hold on to. The only hope I had left.  
  
I rubbed my eyes, wanting sleep, but not getting any. I never got any. The horrible memories, the taunting faces, the viciousness of the world kept me awake.  
  
I decided to go down to the common room since I felt no comfort in the dorm. I sat down on the comfiest couches and sat. And sat. And sat. Staring into the flames was enchanting.  
  
They seemed so perfect with their shape and the way they moved and how free they were. Dancing to a soft rhythm you could barely hear.  
  
It was amazing, yet saddening. Why can't my world by like theirs? I thought. They make living life look so easy.  
  
I tore my eyes away as I looked to the clock. 4:30. Might as well get ready. I had nothing better to do.  
  
I took a long shower letting the gentle and warm water drench my hair and relax my body. I sighed of relief. In that moment, I felt free. Just like those flames.  
  
But it quickly evaporated as quickly as it had come. I closed my eyes longingly, hoping it would come again. It never did. Instead I got this cold, empty feeling. Again. And then all of a sudden, a warm pair of hands wrapped around my body. I smiled, like I expected it. I turned around and saw him. Him. I smiled brightly , glad to see him. Suddenly, he became a vicious, ferocious monster with the most evil of eyes.  
  
My eyes widened in horror and I tried to push him away. Go away! Go away! But I couldn't get away. I kept running and running, but he always seemed to be there, watching me with his eyes. I ran faster and faster until I reached a dead end.  
  
I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I turned around, and found him again. I sighed with relief. Panting for breath, I looked up into his eyes, so warm and full of joyful laughter. He said, "Lily, you can't keep running away from your fears. Be strong, and be you. Don't be afraid Lily, give the world a chance."  
  
I jerked awake. I was even more tired than before. I looked to the clock. 4:30. I was afraid I was dreaming again and pinched myself. Ow. I sighed. I went upstairs to find my dorm mates sleeping. I looked over to my bed and saw my journal just where I'd left it.  
  
I took a short shower, afraid perhaps my dream still might come true. I dried my hair, got dressed in a simple T-shirt and cargo pants. I didn't really care about what people thought of my clothes. They're just clothes! Who cares?!?  
  
I brushed out my hair and I got my books in my bag but just left them on my bed. I had decided to take a stroll to think about my dream.  
  
As I walked out of the portrait hole, I heard whispers. I looked around surprised to hear whispers at such a time like this. I saw nobody. I decided to ignore it and kept on walking.  
  
I headed towards the Astronomy tower, where I usually go, and sat on a beam that was narrow for the birds to sit on, hoping I would "accidentally fall". But also to think about anything that's bothering me, I would bring my journal along too.  
************* We had just finished going to the kitchen to eat, and were about to go into Gryffindor Tower, when it opened by itself. I stepped back, stepping on Sirius's foot, making him step back stepping on Remus's foot, and stumbled pushing Peter, making him curse. We all cursed but stopped when we saw the person who had come out.  
  
She looked around weirdly, and I saw, in her eyes misery etched in her eyes. Her eyes were shockingly green I thought. Her hair was damp and she looked like a "fallen angel".  
  
I was intrigued by her. Lily Evans. She was fascinating. We all climbed into the portrait hall and everyone got out of my invisibility cloak.  
  
"That was close." Said Sirius.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Come on, I tired. Let's go."  
  
I went upstairs with them, and once they had all gotten into their beds, I dashed out of the dorm and out the portrait hole, pulling the invisibility cloak on. I ran quickly and silently to catch up to Lily.  
  
Once I caught up with her, I was trying not to breath heavily so to not give me away. I followed her up the Astronomy Tower wondering what she was doing.  
  
She sat down on a very narrow beam that were for the birds to sit on and a terrifying picture came to mind. Oh no! She isn't! She wouldn't! I thought frantically. I took out my wand just in case, so as to slow her down if she might dare fall.  
************* I sighed as I got on the beam. I started my thinking. What was that dream about? Who was that person in my dream?  
  
He looked so handsome, and yet he was so familiar. He looked so loving, and caring. Something that I would never get, someone I would never have. Tears trickled down my cheeks.  
  
I wiped them away. No! You will not cry! You are stronger than that! I thought forcefully.  
  
The misery was eating me away and I stood up, that feeling came over me again. What is it?!?! I questioned myself frustrated. Why do I feel like this so much?!?!  
  
The loneliness had finally gotten to my head and I stood up and sang a song. My last song. I started to dance my practiced dance. My last dance. I kept on dancing and then finally lost my balance and fell.  
  
The fall was thrilling yet scary. Did I just actually do that?!?! I thought horrified. Please let this be a dream. A voice rang through my head saying, " Give the world a chance." It echoed in my head and I passed out.  
********* I kept my wand at hand, praying she wouldn't do what I thought she would do. I watched her like a mother watching it's baby. She had a thoughtful look on her face, like she was in a different world.  
  
I saw tears trickle down her cheeks, and I had the sudden urge to go up to her and comfort her. She wiped her tears away swiftly and looked frustrated. She stood up and sang a song with the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. She danced along with the song.  
  
I gripped my wand tighter, afraid she would lose her balance. She danced beautifully and was very graceful. She didn't lose her balance until she did an exceptionally tricky move, missing the beam and falling.  
  
I was horrified and became numb. She actually did it. I can't believe it. As quickly as I could, I ran over the edge and muttered a slowing spell slowing her down right before she hit the ground. There were people around since it was already about seven and they watched with scared eyes.  
  
I rushed off the Astronomy Tower and ran as fast as I could through the crowd, pushing and shoving to get them out of my way. I ran out onto the grounds where she had fallen and got to where she was. I checked her pulse to see if she was alive. She was. Barely.  
  
She looked pale and she was dead cold. I picked he up and ran her to the hospital wing. As I ran past, I could catch some whispers like.  
  
"It's the freak, Evans." "She fell off the astronomy tower" "on purpose" "I can't believe someone would do something like that" "She must really be a freak"  
  
I tried to ignore the rude comments and rumors they were spreading. How could they be so ignorant? Can't they see she's troubled?  
  
When I got her to the hospital wing, Madame Pomphrey had already heard. She looked quite shocked and bustled around getting this and that for Lily. I set her down on one of the beds and Madame Pomphrey shooed me out.  
  
I returned to Gryffindor Tower, confused why someone would want to do that and how people could be so mean obviously not knowing anything about her. None of them had seen it. None of them had seen her eyes. While she sang and danced beautifully, her eyes were cold with misery, fear, sorrow, and emptiness. Her eyes told all. Something was wrong and I was determined to find out.  
********** I woke up slowly, every inch in my body aching. I was dazed, couldn't remember anything at all. I blinked several times, getting used to the light. Where am I? And then it hit me suddenly. I remembered the sensation of falling, falling, forever falling. That's all I had remembered.  
  
I looked around. Am I in heaven? This doesn't look like heaven to me. I tried to get up but a pain hit my leg. If I'm in heaven, then why does it hurt so much? You aren't in heaven, a strange voice I didn't know rang through my head.  
  
"Then where am I?" I said aloud, not expecting an answer.  
  
"You're in the hospital wing."  
  
I turned quickly, with much pain while doing so, to where the voice was coming from. My eyes landed on Potter. James Potter.  
  
"What are you doing here?" "I wanted to see if you were okay." He said gently.  
  
"Well if it's because you pity me, I don't want it! I don't want or need your sympathy! Go away!" I said fiercely. "Go away! Leave me alone!" I screamed.  
  
"Mr. Potter! Get out!!!!!!! I do not want you to bother my patients!" said Madame Pomphrey. She handed me a potion which I drank anger still boiling in my blood.  
  
I slowly dropped off to sleep.  
********** Grrrrrrrrrrr. What was up with her? She had such a temper! I thought angrily. And then I remembered my invisibility cloak. Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to go up to the Astronomy Tower and retrieve it.  
  
When I got there, I grabbed my invisibility cloak but also noticed something else. A dark, deep green thick book. A journal. I picked it up and sat down and read.  
  
Falling Apart  
  
We used to be best friends, Sharing everything with each other. But now you're hiding something, that makes us fall apart.  
  
We used to be the best of friends, Laughing and giggling, It just breaks my heart, To see our friendship die.  
  
I cry myself to sleep, Thinking back to our old memories. Waiting 'til you'll tell me, Our friendship will last forever.  
  
But yet I feel, someday, You'll say, " I don't think we should be friends anymore." That's the day I'll know from that our friendship was dying.  
  
I'll wait here for you, To make your decision, To fall apart or stick together, But no matter what, You have a place in my heart, And the good 'ol memories, Of you and me together.  
  
I'll wait here. Hoping.  
  
~L.E.~  
  
L.E. Hmmm.That's weird. I turned to another page in the journal.  
  
While life all around me continues to go on, I stop here. When the rain falls, I stop here. When the flowers bloom, I stop here. When people finally realize their mistakes, I stop here. I can't take it. The misery and sadness is eating me, tearing me apart. It's got me caged in a prison of nothing. With no one. What is there more to live for? This monster won't let me go. I'm chained down by it's misery. Where did that misery come from? From people, from death, from loneliness, from darkness. From darkness that blinds all that could have seen and me, me while I realized that it was wrong, I could see. I could see the truth. I could see the light. But yet when I could see the cold hard reality of life, no one else could. I was alone. That's what's killing me inside. The truth. ~L.E.~  
  
Wow. How depressing. How unclear. I turned on to the most recent.  
  
Can you not hear my cries of wretchedness?  
  
Can you not see my tears of loneliness?  
  
You're so blinded and deafened by this world,  
  
Not knowing what is true and what is false,  
  
But believing anything you want to believe.  
  
Not being true to anyone,  
  
Nor yourself.  
  
How can you be so trusting?  
  
Making you vulnerable, weak.  
  
Can you not see that?  
  
Can you not taste that bitterness in the world?  
  
Can you not feel the fire of this living Hell?  
  
Does it not burn you?  
  
What can I do to stop this world full of imposters?  
  
This world full of people that can't be themselves.  
  
False. But what is real?  
  
What is true?  
  
What, who, can I trust?  
  
I have been burned by the flames of Hell,  
  
I have tasted that sour bitterness of this world,  
  
I have seen the real world, what it has become,  
  
And I have heard my own cries, echoing.  
  
Bouncing off walls continually.  
  
When will someone enter my world?  
  
Am I alone? Alone to die of pure hatred and falseness?  
  
Never being able to stand up again?  
  
When will someone hear my voice, see my tears, witness what is real?  
  
Is this the way it is supposed to be?  
  
Is this what God had wanted?  
  
When will someone's eyes be opened to the horrible pleas of help,  
  
Pleas to have their hearts unlocked, unleashed, to be whom they are,  
  
Not what people want them to be?  
  
Can you not feel, see, hear, taste, reality?  
  
~L.E.~  
  
When I was finished, I felt miserable too. Whoever this person was, had some heavy shit. Who in this world would be so horrible? Who is this person?  
  
I decided to keep the journal a secret, not wanting anybody else to know the innermost thoughts of this L.E. person. When I got back to Gryffindor Tower, everyone had already gone to bed. I went to the couch and collapsed. There I slept.  
********** I woke up the next day feeling refreshed and new. Madame Promphey let me go. Finally, I was able to get out of the hospital wing. I made my way to Gryffindor Tower and when I got through the portrait hole, everyone stared at me. My smile slowly faded.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?!?!?"  
  
Everyone turned there heads back to the way they were and I saw Potter jump when I yelled. I noticed he had a book in his hands. My journal. MY JOURNAL!  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY JOURNAL?!?!?!?" I said furiously.  
  
"I..uhh. I.d-di.I..mean.I.s-sor-ssorry." He stammered.  
  
I went over to him and slapped him hard on the face and grabbed my journal and ran to my dorm crying. I avoided the glares the girls were giving me for slapping James and cried hard on my bed.  
  
"Are you okay Lily?"  
  
I looked up and saw Amy. She looked a bit scared of me.  
  
I said icily, "What? Are you scared now that I tried to commit suicide, that I'm a freak? Are you scared that I killed Rose?!?!?" 


	4. Dance

Lily froze. Had she just said what she thought she said? It couldn't be. She couldn't let anyone know.  
  
Amy, being very wise, did not ask what I had meant.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Do you think I'm alright? Just say it! I'm a freak! I know that's what you're thinking right now!"  
  
"But you're not a freak. Not to me."  
  
I sighed. "I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with everything right now that's all. Don't take it personally."  
  
She looked at me with timid eyes, like a squirrel wondering if it should trust a bear, "Would you like to talk about it?"  
  
"No." I tore my bed hangings around my bed and took out my journal and wrote, like I always did.  
  
Metamorphosis  
  
I'm always changing,  
  
A metamorphosis.  
  
Forming into what people want me to be.  
  
What have I become?  
  
Why do I hide?  
  
I want to fly like a butterfly,  
  
Free from this heavy chain, that's  
  
Holding me down.  
  
I want to run, be free,  
  
Without a care in the world.  
  
What would life be like then?  
  
I live in the shadow of doubt.  
  
Things will never change,  
  
I should know by now,  
  
And yet, I feel, there's something more outside,  
  
Outside these prison doors.  
  
I need the key to unlock my misery.  
  
So I too, can live free as can be.  
  
What's underneath my skin,  
  
Nobody knows, nor do I.  
  
I dare not go,  
  
Visit my horrid past,  
  
It hurts me so, why can't you see that?  
  
With my friends,  
  
I'm just this cover-up.  
  
There's more inside,  
  
Yet nobody goes there,  
  
They don't give me a chance.  
  
I'm always changing,  
  
Into what they think they see.  
  
They don't know a thing about me.  
  
I'm forever falling,  
  
Never able to stand up.  
  
Just falling, into nothing.  
  
I often dream what's outside the walls of this hell,  
  
Who can help me up?  
  
Who can get me out?  
  
I'm always changing.  
  
A metamorphosis.  
  
I delicately closed my journal. I peeked through my bed hangings to find Amy still there reading, although she didn't look like she was reading. Her mind was on something else. I wonder what she's thinking about? Is she thinking about what I said earlier? I thought.  
  
"Amy? Do you really want to know me? I mean, the real me?" I said, wanting to just get everything out of me.  
************* Her hand slapped across my face. Ouch. It stung bad. I fell to the floor. At least I know who the L.E. person is. Lily Evans. My heart stung more than my face. She had to go through all of that?  
  
Sirius came over and helped me up.  
  
"Prongs, man, are you okay?"  
  
"Uh. yeah I'm fine."  
  
"What the heck were you doing with Evan's diary?"  
  
"Ummm. I found it lying around and I didn't know it was hers."  
  
"Damn, she has a temper. It's just a journal jeez."  
  
No. I thought. It's not just a journal. It's her innermost thoughts. Perhaps the closest thing she has to a friend. A true friend. I winced at this. She was so. so..intriguing but she was also a bit frightening.  
  
"Hey Prongs play you a bit of chess?" asked Remus.  
  
"Uh. yeah sure, I guess." I said reluctantly. He got out the board and the pieces and we played, me losing most of them since I wasn't really concentrating.  
  
"Ha! I win again! Want to play another game? Prongs? Hello? Prongs?"  
  
"Hmmm? Oh, um no, I think I'm done for tonight. Let's go get some dinner. I'm starved."  
  
"That's the best idea I've heard yet." Said Sirius.  
  
We all walked down to the Great Hall together.  
************* "What do you mean?" asked Amy.  
  
"I mean, do you want to know me? The real true me?" I asked nearly frustrated.  
  
"Ummm.. Okay.." Amy said hesitantly.  
  
I sighed. Here goes nothing I thought.  
  
"Okay. Here goes. When I was just five, my mom died. My dad used to be such a nice dad. After my mom died, he lost almost all hope. He told us, meaning my twin Rose and my older sister Petunia, that as long as we were here together with him, he would be the best dad he could.  
  
"When I was six, Rose died. I killed her. Not on purpose. I would never kill Rose on purpose." Amy nodded understandingly at this.  
  
"We had been playing on the street and.and.a drunk driver hit.hit.Rose. I blame it on myself because I had dragged her out to play with me, even though she had cancer." Tears sprang up in my eyes and I couldn't go on. Amy rushed over to me and hugged me.  
  
She had been crying with me. I felt horrible with what I just said, but my chest felt lighter. We embraced each other for a while and then I continued.  
  
"When my dad found out, he was so angry, he wouldn't look at me for days. And when he finally did, all he had in his eyes was hatred. Pure hatred. And all he could do was beat me and.."  
  
"Stop." Amy said, pure misery in her voice. "Don't go any further. I can't take it. I'm sorry, but I can't help you with this. It's too sad." She was crying harder than I had ever seen her cry before.  
  
I felt misery again. I thought that for once, I could get this off my chest and breathe. I thought that if I just let it go, it would go away. But it didn't. It never would.  
  
All of a sudden I was angry. I was angry at Amy and everybody else in this damned world.  
  
"Oh I'm glad that if you can't take it, you can just say stop! Well guess what?!? There are those who can't! There are those who suffer while you just say stop to all of this! There are those who can't even look at their fathers or who can't even look at their past! People like me! You don't have to go through this! I do! You have a loving family! I don't! And while I'm getting beat and suffering, you're just going to say stop! I'm sick and tired of this world!"  
  
With that I took my journal and ran off to the Great Hall. I was so angry I got lost.  
  
"Damn it!!" With that I punched the wall, later regretting it because it hurt.  
  
"Now, now, what did the wall ever do to you?"  
************* "Hey Prongs what's up? And don't say nothing, because I know something's up."  
  
"It's just this.friend I know, she's got some problems."  
  
"Ohhhh. A girl is it? Who?"  
  
"Shut up Padfoot! It's not like that." Or is it? I thought. "Anyways, I don't know what to do."  
  
"Prongs, we're going to need more info than that. I mean, we don't even know how serious the problems are." Said Remus reasonably.  
  
"Just. nevermind."  
  
I noticed Peter didn't have any say in this. He usually never did. He was just there to be there.  
  
"I got to go. I'll see you guys later." I said.  
  
"But you hardly ate anything!" said Sirius.  
  
"I'm not hungry."  
  
"Okay then."  
  
I walked off, not really going anywhere. I can't take it! Why's she bothering me so much? Am I starting to like her? How can I reach to her? I need to get to her somehow.  
  
Just then I saw Lily punch the wall. She had so much force.  
  
"Now, now, what did the wall ever do to you?" the portrait behind her said.  
  
"Nothing. I was just taking my anger out on it." Lily mumbled.  
  
"Why would you be angry? Such a beautiful girl like you." The portrait of an elderly woman asked.  
  
"There's more that meets the eye." Lily said.  
  
"Ah, I see. You're troubled. Come on in my room. It's very relaxing." The portrait swung open. Lily reluctantly walked in.  
  
"Thank you." She mumbled.  
  
As the portrait closed, I walked up to it.  
  
"Excuse me. I'm looking for a girl with red hair and green eyes. Have you seen her around?" I said, not knowing a better excuse to get inside.  
  
"Why do you ask?" She asked sharply.  
  
"Well.uh.. I'm her partner in one of the classes and we need to finish our homework." I said, hoping she would buy it.  
  
"Very well then. Come on through." She said cheerily.  
  
I walked into an amazing room that was a bit smaller than the Great Hall with absolutely nothing in it except the big chandelier hanging from the ceiling. I looked around and saw Lily, once again dancing away to music from and unknown source. I watched with amusement as she danced beautifully across the room. She didn't seem to notice me but just kept on dancing.  
  
"Do you always dance when you're distressed?" I finally asked her.  
  
She jumped at the sound of my voice. She looked around and finally noticed me where I was.  
  
"What do you want? How did you get in here? How long have you been watching me?" She shot questions at me.  
  
"You answer my question and I'll answer all of yours." I said.  
  
"Yes I do. And how would you know I always dance when I'm distressed if you've only seen me this time?" She added.  
  
"First things first. I just came in here because I noticed you came in here and I was curious. Second, the old lady let me in and third I've watched you for about fifteen minutes. Oh yes and fourth I saw you try to commit suicide."  
  
Her eyes widened at this. "How did you see my try to commit suicide when no one was there?"  
  
"I have my ways." I answered back.  
  
"My turn. Why are you always distressed?" I asked, even though I partly knew the answer because I read her diary, I still wanted to hear it from her.  
  
She looked at me like I was a cat that was getting ready to pounce. "You should know. You read my journal." She replied with venom.  
  
"Ah yes that. I just found it where you had left it after you tried to commit suicide. I did not know that it was yours. Even though I had read it, it wasn't clear."  
  
She said nothing but just continued staring at me. I stared back. It was a staring contest and we silently agreed that if she won, she would tell me and if I lost, I would forget the question.  
  
Her eyes were beautiful, but they were cold and hollow. I felt myself drowning in her eyes and had to save myself. I looked away and she had a look of triumph on her face.  
  
"Why don't you just tell anyone? Just let go!" I yelled. It echoed off the walls.  
  
She looked startled and then she softened. " Number one: I've tried to. I really did. But she couldn't bear it. I couldn't either. And number two: I wouldn't tell you if my life depended on it." I winced at these words.  
  
As we were talking I was getting closer and closer. Finally, we were just a few feet away.  
  
Once again, silence. We just made small talk not really getting anywhere.  
  
"You're beautiful." I whispered.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
That's it! I finished! WOOHOO! Thank you. Thank you thank you. Hope you like it. And please review. I need and energy booster.  
  
-KitKatAS- 


	5. Deja Vu

Here it is! Chapter 6! Thank you to everyone who reviewed! You guys are great!  
  
I stared at him. And stared. And stared. I didn't know how to react. Nobody had ever said anything like that to me before. My mind swirled and faltered. I became nauseous and dizzy. My eyes became unfocused. And then, I fainted. I don't know why.  
************ We stared at each other yet again. She seemed to be looking right through me. Suddenly, she fainted. I rushed to help her up.  
  
"Lily?! Lily?! Wake up!"  
  
I picked her up. Wow, she's skinny. I thought. She doesn't eat much. Then again, I wouldn't either if I were in her shoes. I opened the portrait hole and lifted her out.  
  
"Oh my! What have you done to her?!?! Tell me this instant!" She said sharply.  
  
I ignored her. I quickly rushed her to the hospital wing. Déjà vu. I thought to myself. I would have laughed if I hadn't seen the looks on other people's faces. I tried to ignore them.  
  
"Whoa Prongs! What happened to her? What'd you do?" Sirius said, suddenly interested.  
  
"What happened?" Remus asked.  
  
"No time to explain. See you guys later." I said all in a rush.  
  
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" An oh-too-familiar voice said.  
*************** I was in my own dreamland. I heard voices, but I didn't care what they were. I was in heaven. No care in the world at all. I felt a warm sensation, not the cold empty one. I was so relaxed. But unfortunately, it didn't last.  
  
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" A voice full of ice said. I heard through the first layer. He was concerned. Whoever he was.  
  
"Go away Snivellus. I'm busy."  
  
"I see."  
  
I opened my eyes slowly. I saw the warmest, brownest eyes ever. I soon came back to reality. Cold, hard reality.  
  
"Let go of me!" I tried to push him away.  
  
"Okay." He dropped me and my butt hit the ground hard.  
  
I looked up at his eyes. They were laughing at me. Everyone was laughing. I narrowed my eyes at him.  
  
"Very funny Potter. Haha." My eyes full of hatred. I thought he might have been something else. But, boy was I wrong.  
  
I got up dusted my clothes off very daintily. Then, with all the force, all the anger and hatred I had, I put it into a punch and just hit him square in the face. Everything was silent.  
  
"I hope that leaves a mark." I said. And then I ran. I ran away. Just like I did with everything in my life. In times like these, I would always go to my journal.  
  
"Shit." I remembered of course that I left my journal at the place where now, I didn't know where it was. I decided to look for it. I swore to myself I would find it before anybody else did.  
************* Her fist hit my jaw with force I didn't know she had. I fell to the ground.  
  
"I hope that leaves a mark." She said with coldness. I would have winced but I couldn't.  
  
She then ran so fast, it was like she wasn't ever there. People started to clear away. Sirius, Remus, and Peter came over to me.  
  
"Man she got you good, eh Prongs?"  
  
"Shut up Padfoot!"  
  
They helped me up. I knew I was a jerk. I knew she wouldn't ever forgive me. I sighed. What wouldn't I do to be able to take everything back?  
  
"So you up to any mischief tonight?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Umm. I'm tired. I'm just going to go to bed."  
  
Everyone turned their heads to me. They all looked at me strangely.  
  
"Are you okay Prongs?" Remus asked.  
  
"Yeah. Of course. I'm just tired."  
  
"Whatever." Sirius said.  
************ I had gone down many corridors, turned many turns, and meet many dead ends. I sighed. I leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. It was no use. I would never find that same portrait.  
  
Of a sudden, I saw a dark black haired girl walk by.  
  
"Bridgette?"  
  
"Lily?"  
  
"What are you doing here Bridgette?"  
  
"I could ask you the same."  
  
"I was just looking for something and I suppose I got lost. What are you doing here?"  
  
"Ummm. I was just.. Taking a walk."  
  
I looked at her suspiciously. Something was up. I could feel it. I decided not to take it any further.  
  
She then sat next to me.  
  
"If something was up you would tell me right?"  
  
"Uhhh. Yeah.sure. Why do you ask?"  
  
"It's just that you've been so detached from us. I feel like I'm not you're best friend anymore. I feel like you're hiding something."  
  
"Why would you think that?" I asked. I somehow felt.I didn't know how to describe it. I felt like.. She cared about me? Was that it?  
  
"Well, like, for example, you try to commit suicide? What the heck was that about? And then James Potter saving you? Twice? And then you just don't ever hang out with us anymore."  
  
Then a light clicked in my head.  
  
"Do you like Potter? Is that what this is about? Because nothing is between us."  
  
"No! Why would you think that?"  
  
"I don't know. But if it was something like that, would you tell me?"  
  
"Why would I tell you? It's like you're not even my friend anymore! You're a stranger to me now okay? Got that?" with that she got up and turned away. She walked down a corridor which I had known to be a dead end and kept walking.  
  
I expected her to come walking back but she never did. That's strange I thought. I got up and walked down the same corridor. There it was. The dead end with the window. I opened the window but she was no where in sight. Had I known that there were a pair of eyes watching me, it would have been different.  
************ I lay in bed thinking back about what I did. God, could I have been anymore stupider? Then I realized that her journal was still there. Should I go back to retrieve it? Or would that get me in a worse situation? She probably can't remember where the portrait was.  
  
I got up and got my invisibility cloak.  
  
"Where are you going Prongs?" whispered Remus.  
  
"Out."  
  
"Wait, Prongs, let me go with you. Please. I want to know where you go now everynight."  
  
I sighed. "Fine."  
  
He slipped under the invisibility cloak and we went down to the common room, out the portrait hole, and down the many corridors to get to my destination.  
  
"Where are we going Prongs?"  
  
"You'll see. And when we get there, pretend you're distressed and ask to go in."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just do it."  
  
When we got there, I took off the invisibility cloak off Remus. I pretended to cry. The lady in the portrait woke up.  
  
"Now, now dear child, what's wrong?"  
  
"My...My...friend..and I...we had a fight. And now he isn't my friend anymore."  
  
"Oh, it's ok. You guys will get over it soon. Come on in."  
  
We walked in and when I got inside, I took off the cloak.  
  
"Now, will you at least tell me why we're here and what's going on?"  
  
"Well, first the reason we're here, is because of this." I help up the dark green journal for him to see. "Second, I just wanted to get this for the person it belongs to."  
  
"And that would be?"  
  
"Lily Evans."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Come on. Let's go."  
  
I slipped on my cloak and we walked out. We got all the way to Gryffindor Tower without mayhem. I took off the invisibility cloak.  
  
"Do you like Lily?"  
  
"She's.interesting I guess you could say."  
  
"Oh."  
  
I went up the girl's dormitory grabbing hold of the rail when it turned into a slide and noted that not one, but two girls in the fifth year girl's dormitory were empty. I put the journal on Lily's bed and made my way back downstairs.  
  
I went up to bed and fell asleep immediately.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yes! I finished! I know the ending sucked but oh well. I'm tired and I'm not up to thinking of suspense right now. But I do have good ideas for the chapters ahead. You'll just have to wait and see. Muahahahahahahah! I know. I'm evil. But please REVIEW! Thank you, and have a nice day.  
  
-KitKatAS- 


	6. Underneath

I walked up to my dormitory. Amy, Clarissa, and the other girl, Danielle were sleeping. Bridgette was the only one missing. I walked over to my bed and found my journal on my bed. How did that get there? I thought.  
  
I looked over to the clock. 11. Typical. I slid into my bed hoping to get some sleep. No such thing of course. I decided to finish my homework instead. I got all my quill and parchment out and decided to start on my charms essay since that was easily my best subject.  
  
I started on my essay but something wasn't right. Bridgette was the one who would never be late to anything. And it was 11:30 and she still wasn't here. I tried to ignore it and concentrate on my essay, but I just couldn't. I got my journal and again started to write.  
  
There's always more underneath.  
  
Underneath that plastered smile,  
  
Underneath that cheery face.  
  
Don't always expect the truth,  
  
Because you're not always going to get it.  
  
What's underneath that stuck-up attitude,  
  
Nobdy knows,  
  
But you.  
  
When you finally explode,  
  
From the secrets you kept,  
  
From the secrets you let, control your life,  
  
When you finally explode,  
  
From the feelings you've locked up,  
  
From the emotions bottled up,  
  
What will you do then?  
  
Can you not cover them up again?  
  
With the same stuff you used before?  
  
The same lies and cheats?  
  
But no one will ever see you as the same person,  
  
The same person you used to be,  
  
Until you revealed the truth.  
  
Until that day that you let it out,  
  
Let go of what you grasped tightly.  
  
Until you let go of your secrets.  
  
Why are you afraid?  
  
Why is anyone afraid?  
  
Why am I afraid?  
  
Everybody has secrets.  
  
I closed the journal. That is a horrible journal entry, I thought. I drifted off to sleep slowly entering the chaotic world of me.  
  
"Please Daddy! Please? Can we please just go outside and play? Pretty please with a cherry on top?"  
  
"I'm sorry Lily, but Rose can't go out to play today. You know she's sick. She has to rest."  
  
"Just for a little while?"  
  
"No and that's my final answer."  
  
I drooped my shoulders. It didn't work. It usually worked. He usually let us play outside. I walked up to our room to find Rose sitting on her bed as usual.  
  
"Hey Rose, let's go out to play."  
  
"But didn't Daddy say no?"  
  
"No." I said quickly.  
  
"Okay. I guess."  
  
"Yay! Let's go!"  
  
We ran out onto the front yard and we started to play tag.  
  
BEEP BEEP!!  
  
I looked up to find a car swerving on the road. Suddenly, the car came speeding toward me.  
  
"LILY! WATCH OUT!!" Rose screamed. Rose came running towards me and pushed me.  
  
SCREAM. CRASH. I rushed over to Rose.  
  
"ROSE!? ROSE! WAKE UP ROSE!" I screamed. I cryed. "Don't leave me. Please." I whispered.  
  
"What's going on out here?" My dad came running out of the house. He gasped. "Wh-What ha-hap-happened here?" His eyes burned up. I remembered his eyes the most. They no longer had their joyful bounce. They were hollow and cold. They burned with anger. I whimpered in fear.  
  
"DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO COME PLAY OUTSIDE?!?! DIDN'T I?!?! ANSWER ME!"  
  
"Yes." I said weakly. He raised his hand and slapped my face. He turned around to go back to the house. I raised my hand to my face. He actually slapped me. And then I ran. I ran away. Not knowing where I was going. I ran. When I ran, I felt like I was leaving my troubles behind. I cried and when I was finally tired, I sat down in a neighborhood I didn't know.  
  
"What is this? Why are you here dearie?" an elderly lady asked me kindly.  
  
"I-I just ran away."  
  
"Come on dearie, let's go inside. I'll make you some soup."  
  
"Okay." She held out her hand to me and I took it graciously.  
  
"What's your name dearie?"  
  
"Lily. Lily. Lily. Lily! Lily!!"  
  
I jerked awake. "Huh?"  
  
"Lily, can we talk?" asked Amy.  
  
I looked over to the clock. 3:45. I yawned. I wiped my eyes away. I had been crying in my sleep. I quickly looked over to Bridgette's bed. She was there. Sleeping peacefully.  
  
"Uh. yeah, sure."  
  
We went to the common room.  
  
"I wanted to say I am really sorry about the other day. I just didn't understand. I guess it was hard for me to accept everything. I never knew that your life was like that. Why didn't you tell us? Aren't we your friends? And another thing. Why don't you hang out with us anymore? It's like you're not one of us anymore. It's like you're someone else. A stranger."  
  
I sighed. This could take a while, I thought.  
  
"Okay. I should say I'm sorry too. I just kind of exploded. It's hard to keep my past from everyone. It gets lonely."  
  
"But why? Why did you keep it from everyone Lily?"  
  
"What do you think Amy? How do you think people would react if they knew my past? They would give me pity and their sympathy, or tease me. I don't want their sympathy. I didn't tell you guys because I was afraid. I was afraid that maybe, you guys, wouldn't want to be my friends with me if you knew the real me. So I covered myself with something else. Lies. I'm sorry for that too."  
  
"Is that true? You thought that we wouldn't want to be your friends if we knew you're past? We're your friends. We would never do that to you."  
  
"I don't know what to say."  
  
"You don't have to say anything. I'll always be there for you, if you need to talk to me. I'm ready. You can tell me anything. Friends?" She stuck out her hand to shake. I smiled down at it.  
  
"Friends." I said and instead of shaking her hand, I pulled her into a hug.  
  
*****************  
  
I didn't have what you would call the best sleep ever. I twisted and turned. I was sweating. I got so hot I decided to go down to the common room to cool off. When I got down, I realized I walked into a conversation with Amy and Lily.  
  
"But why? Why did you keep it from everyone Lily?"  
  
"What do you think Amy? How do you think people would react if they knew my past? They would give me pity and their sympathy, or tease me. I don't want their sympathy. I didn't tell you guys because I was afraid. I was afraid that maybe, you guys, wouldn't want to be my friends with me if you knew the real me. So I covered myself with something else. Lies. I'm sorry for that too."  
  
"Is that true? You thought that we wouldn't want to be your friends if we knew you're past? We're your friends. We would never do that to you."  
  
"I don't know what to say."  
  
"You don't have to say anything. I'll always be there for you, if you need to talk to me. I'm ready. You can tell me anything. Friends?" Amy stuck out her hand and Lily said "Friends." And they hugged.  
  
"I'm going to bed Lily. You coming?"  
  
"No, I'll just stay here. You go ahead." I watched her stare at the fires. I decided I would try to apologize.  
  
I cleared my throat. "Uh. Hello." I said timidly.  
  
She looked up and her eyes that had been friendly turned full of hatred.  
  
"What do you want Potter? Here to make a fool of me again?" She said icily.  
  
"No. I wanted to apologize." I said defensively.  
  
"Psh." She rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, but it's a little late for that. Goodnight." She got up and went up to her dormitory. I sighed. I hadn't expected her to forgive me. I wouldn't have either. I sat down on a couch and slept down there.  
******************  
  
I went back to bed thinking, Who does he think he is? He expected me to forgive him? Yeah right. I went to bed getting a couple of hours of sleep.  
  
"Lily! Wake up! Lily!"  
  
I opened my eyes to find Amy with a smile on.  
  
"Come on! Get ready!" We had gotten closer than ever from the night before.  
  
"Alright, alright I'm going." I got up and got a blue tanktop and black baggy jeans on. I brushed my hair out and Amy and I went down to the Great Hall. I hadn't noticed the look of jealousy or the look of apology. Or the look of love.  
*********************  
  
I'm going to stop it here. I'm not kidding. I know it was kind of a crappy chapter but at least I updated a chapter. Please, please review. I'm begging you. Please!  
  
-KitKatAS- 


	7. Animagus

Forgot one of these. Hehe.  
  
Disclaimer: Guess what? I don't own any of the characters in this story. Except my OC's. It's all owned by J.K. Rowling. All hail J.K. Rowling. Joking. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Hey Lily, aren't you going to eat something?" asked Amy.  
  
"No, I'm not really hungry."  
  
"Oh come on. That's what you said for lunch and breakfast. You've got to be hungry. Or else you're not human."  
  
'Maybe I'm not.' I thought to myself. I looked over to Amy and she looked like one of those people who advertised the whipped yogurt commercials using her mashed potatoes.  
  
"You've gotta eat something." Suddenly she stood up and yelled, " Everyone, I need you guys to persuade someone. This girl, Lily, will not eat. Come on." She started cheering and ranted, "Eat, eat, eat!" And soon everyone joined in. I felt like sinking to the ground. Glaring at Amy, I got her fork and took a bite of her mashed potatoes. Everyone cheered and gradually the noise decreased.  
  
"Thanks." I said sarcastically.  
  
"Anytime Lils." She said happily. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"I'm going to get started on my homework. Bye."  
  
"K. Bye." She said with a stuffed mouth. I walked out of the Great Hall and bumped into Bridgette.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry. Oh hi Lily. Hey, can we talk?"  
  
"Sure, I guess."  
  
We walked to our dormitory in silence. We both sat down on my bed.  
  
"I'm sorry about the other night. I just feel so apart from you. I don't want to lose you. And now that you're with Amy more than me, I feel like you replaced me. I feel really bad about what I said and you were right. I do like James. But don't tell anyone. Please."  
  
I chuckled at this. "I guess I'm sorry too. I know I haven't really treated you guys the best and just because I'm with Amy more isn't because I replaced you. It's just I thought you were still mad at me, and I didn't want to have another fight with you. And one more thing. The other night, you walked down a dead end, but when I followed you, you weren't anywhere to be seen."  
  
"Actually," she said with a secretive smile. " I'm an animagus. I turn into a raven."  
  
I gasped. "No way! You can't be. Not unless you're an illegal one." I looked at her questioningly.  
  
She nodded. "Oh my. Something could have gone wrong! Why would you do something like that?"  
  
"I just thought it would be fun. And plus, being an animagus has its advantages. I know lots of secret passages and secrets. I also know where the Marauders go every full moon."  
  
"Where? Why? How?" I shot at her.  
  
"The Womping Willow. Because Remus is a werewolf. And because they're animagus too."  
  
"Wow." I whispered.  
  
"Lily?" and in came Amy and Clarissa.  
  
********************  
  
I sat there looking at Lily. I always did nowadays. She hadn't ate anything for 3 days. Her friend Amy was trying to get her to eat.  
  
"Hey Prongs, what's up man?"  
  
"Huh? Oh nothing."  
  
"Well, it's obviously something. It wouldn't be nothing. You're not that stupid."  
  
"Ummm.I was thinking."  
  
"About what?" Remus asked.  
  
"Uhhh...A new prank we could pull."  
  
"Now that's the Prongs I know." Sirius said with a mischevieous grin. "I say we pour a gallon of pumpkin juice on that girl's head." He pointed to a certain red-head.  
  
"Wha-? No! That's mean." I objected.  
  
"Since when did you care if it was mean or not? But, we'll choose our favorite Slytherins instead."  
  
"Whatev-" I began but was cut off by Lily's friend.  
  
"Everyone, I need you guys to persuade someone. This girl, Lily, will not eat. Come on." She started cheering and ranted, "Eat, eat, eat!" We all joined in and I saw Lily blushing her head off. Lily took a bite of mashed potatoes and we all applauded. I looked over to Sirius and he was looking admiringly at Amy.  
  
******************  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Oh, I see you two are having a conference. May we join you?" Clarissa said.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Soo.. What were you guys talking about?" Amy asked. I looked over to Bridgette wondering if she was going to tell them or not.  
  
"Just about. Me being an illegal animagus, where the Marauders go every full moon, how and why." She said this all very fast.  
  
"You're an animagus? That's soooo awesome!" Amy said excitedly.  
  
"Bridgette's an animagus? Wait, where do the Marauders go every full moon?"  
  
"The Womping Willow." Bridgette and I said.  
  
I stood up and began my speech I had been preparing in my head.  
  
"I wanted to say that I'm very sorry to you all. I haven't treated you like the good friends you are."  
  
"Only just good friends? How about best friends?"  
  
"Yes. You guys deserve the best friends label. But I'm sorry and I promise I will never shut you guys out ever again. I may write in my journal, which you can read since you guys are such good friends and you deserve to know what goes on in my life," I nodded to Amy. "But that doesn't mean I'm shutting you out. Thank you." With that I sat down, feeling so good about what I had just did. I had just reunited my friends. I had just gave my friends the permission to go through my journal. I just found the key to unlock my heart and soul and now, I no longer carry the heavy burden by myself, but with my friends, and I feel so good.  
  
We all enveloped each other in hugs. When we finished with our reunion, I got out my homework and planned to finish it. All of it. Which would take me forever. But I didn't care. My mind wasn't so occupied with my past so I could concentrate. And plus, the Transfiguration homework was about Animagi so I was definitely interested. Once I heard Bridgette was an animagus, I had wanted to be one too.  
  
******************  
  
I'm soooo sorry for taking so long! I feel so awful I didn't update this chapter sooner! And I'm soooo sorry that this chapter sucks! I just made this chapter for the disclaimer but decided you guys would kill me if I just made a disclaimer without a chapter. I need your help. I don't know what to do with James. I need something interesting with James. I have enough with Lily. I just need something with James. If you get any ideas at all, please press the button on the bottom left of your screen which say Go. I will also take comments, compliments, even complaints (I'm that desperate). Please Review! 


	8. Phoenix

I had studied for weeks on how to become an animagus. The 100th book I looked through finally had some valuable information. It read:  
  
To become an animagus, you must register into the Ministry of Magic. Although there is another way. An illegal way that is. First you must look deep inside yourself, and discover the animal within yourself. Look through your love, through your past, and through your secrets. You must look in the soul.  
  
Once you've found the animal within, you must think like the animal. You must behave like the animal and imagine yourself the animal to transform into that animal. It is very difficult, and sometimes, some things go wrong, like you becoming only half the animal. Once you're comfortable with transforming, you now have the freedom to do whatever you please to do.  
  
Of course anybody could tell that this book was from the restricted section. I had just said I was interested in Transfiguration to get into the restricted section. So, I had to look "deep inside myself to find the animal within". Okay. Here goes.  
  
I shut my eyes and concentrated. How do you "look in the soul"? My love, do I have a love? Yes, said an unfamiliar voice in my head. You like James Potter. I opened my eyes at this. NO way! I sooo do not. Yes you do, you just can't admit it, the voice said. Impossible. I breathed.  
  
Once again I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate. Okay. So what if I say I do like Potter. James you mean, it said. Whatever I said to the stupid voice. As I was saying, if I said I liked James, now my past. I sighed. This is gonna hurt.  
  
Pictures of my past flew past my eyes. The time Petunia had stole my doll and during the night her hair turned green. The time my dad became drunk and gave me one hell of a beating. The time before Rose died when she had all of a sudden fainted because of her cancer. The sirens and the noise had confused me when I was little.  
  
The sight of my mother. Her blonde hair glistening and her brown eyes magnificent. I saw her corpse on the bed, stiff as ever.  
  
I opened my eyes. I had been crying. The sight of my mother dead was too much for me. I sighed. I took that one valuable book and packed it into my bag and walked to Gryffindor Tower.  
  
*****************  
  
I've been feeling a pair of eyes on me quite often nowadays. I would turn around and find no one there. They always followed me. It was really unnerving. Whenever I'm in class, one of Lily's friends would turn around to look at me, and her gaze always feel familiar. It was scary if you thought about it. Someone watching your every move.  
  
I was in Transfiguration, and the girl did it again. It was really annoying. After class, I walked up to her and said, "Why do you keep looking at me? Stop following me around an-"  
  
Lily walked up to her and said, " Come on Bridgette, let's go." I expected her voice to be full of ice and that she would give me a glare, but no ice and no glare. Instead, she spoke softly to Bridgette and gave me a last glance.  
  
I was really confused. Isn't she supposed to be mad at me?  
  
"Come on Prongs, we'll be late for Charms." Said Remus.  
  
When we got to Charms, I found Lily at the front. I started walking there, but Sirius pulled me back to the back where we usually sit.  
  
"Today class, we will be pairing up to do the Onarous charm. It is rather difficult, but very handy. It let's you hear from beyond doors or walls. The thicker the wall you want to hear through, the more difficult it is. Okay, let's start pairing. Lupin Ashwinder. Garivaldi Pettigrew. Black Boyer. Evans Potter. Chang Diggory. And he kept going.  
  
I hadn't listened to anything else after he said I was paired with Lily. I walked over to her desk and sat down.  
  
"Hello." She said politely.  
  
"Hi. Look, I'm sorry for what happened the other day."  
  
"Don't worry about it. Let's get started. You go first."  
  
"Okay. Onarous." Lily held up a text book and I put my ear against it. I figure she whispered something but I couldn't quite make out what she said. I took my ear away from the book.  
  
"Did you hear what I said?"  
  
"I could only make out a little what you said. The rest was just a blur."  
  
"That means you pronunciated the word wrong. It's O-NAR-us. Not O-nar-US. Got it?"  
  
"Yeah." I tried it again pronunciated the word correctly this time. I put my ear to the book. I heard Phoenix. I didn't hear the rest of what she said.  
  
"Did you hear what I said?"  
  
"I only heard phoenix. I didn't hear the rest."  
  
"Okay class. Switch now." Professor Flitwick said.  
  
Lily handed me the book and she said "Onarous". She put her ear to the book.  
  
I said, " I'm glad you forgave me."  
  
She took her ear off the book that I was holding between us.  
  
"What did I say?"  
  
"You said, 'I'm glad you forgave me.'"  
  
"Wow. On the first try. Let's do something thicker." We went to the wall and I went into the opposite room. I waited for a few minutes and said, "Pure white stag."  
  
I walked into the room and asked her what I had said. "Pure white stag." She replied.  
  
"Alright class. That's all for today." Professor Flitwick said. We walked out of the room, Lily joining her friends and me joining my friends.  
  
****************  
  
When we got to the dormitory, I immediately went to my bed and tore around the bed hangings. I got out the animagus book. I was anxious to become an animagus so I could join Bridgette in her adventures.  
  
Ok, I thought. I closed my eyes. My love, James Potter. Pictures of James flashed in my mind. My past. Pictures of Christmases my family spent before my mom and sister's death. And then, a picture of a strange woman. She had the same hair as me and eyes. She looked like an older replica of me. A bird flew across my picture quickly.  
  
"Hey Lils, whatcha doin'?" Bridgette asked. This made me snap open my eyes.  
  
"You really want to know?" I asked with the a secretive smile on my face.  
  
"Yeah! Yeah!" She said excitedly. Bridgette loved secrets.  
  
"Come here then." She walked over to my bed and opened the bed hangings way open. "I'm becoming an animagus."  
  
She squealed with delight at this. "Seriously? What animal are you becoming?"  
  
"Well, I dunno yet, I was trying to find the "animal within" when you so rudely interrupted me." I said jokingly. "But it's some kind of bird."  
  
"Ooooo. Cool! I'm a raven so we can fly with each other! Awesome."  
  
"So off with you! I must concentrate! Off with you! Be gone!" I said playfully.  
  
"Okie dokie Lily!" She practically skipped off to bed.  
  
I closed my eyes. The woman came back in my mind. She looked so much like me. Maybe she is me? There was something different about her though. She looked just like me except her eyes. Her eyes had something different about them. They were.joyful and warm.  
  
The bird came through my mind again and sat on the woman's shoulders. Phoenix.  
  
"I GOT IT! I KNOW WHAT I AM!" I yelled excitedly. Bridgette ran over to me.  
  
"What? What are you?" She asked me earnestly.  
  
"I. I'm a-a phoenix!" I said disbelievingly.  
  
"Whoa! Cool! That so fits you!" she said. " Try changing!"  
  
"Okay." I closed my eyes. I imagined me soaring through the sky, being free. Where do phoenixes usually live? They were really rare and they're usually captured and prisoned. Prisoned. Prisoned to evil. To darkness. To the truth.  
  
"Whoa Lily! You did it! Awesome!" I heard Bridgette say. I opened my eyes. Wow, I thought. So this is what its like being a phoenix. I took flight. A sensation came over me. A warm free sensation, and I liked it. I watched Bridgette transform. She made a perfect raven.  
  
We flew out of the window. Out to the open sky. I finally knew how it felt to be free without a care in the world.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I am sooo sorry for the long wait! I know you guys hate me but please keep with me! I know this chapter wasn't really that good. What should I do with James? I dunno what to do with him. Please help me by pressing the button on the bottom left hand corner and giving me your ideas. REVIEW PLEASE! Thank you. 


	9. Overwhelmed

I could've flown all night. I will never get tired of that sensation. When Bridgette finally dragged me back to our dormitory, I just lay in bed remembering the beautiful sensation of flying. I slowly drifted to sleep, happier than I had ever been.  
  
The older version of me came back to me. This time she spoke to me.  
  
"Go to the 3rd floor and on the 7th corridor there will be a door. A picture with a lily on it. The password is Evans. Open it and you will find something there."  
  
"Lily! Wake up! We're gonna be late to class!" I heard Amy's voice ring in my ears.  
  
I jolted up. That was the strangest dream I had ever had. But it stuck to my mind and I was anxious to see what was in that secret room.  
  
The happiness of last night was still in me and I put on a green halter top and flare jeans with intertwining roses on the sides. I felt different. I no longer felt like hiding. I put my hair in a high ponytail, something I don't do often. I put on some green eye shadow and a pale red lip color on my lips.  
  
Amy, Bridgette, and Clarissa looked at me surprised.  
  
"What?" I asked as if there was nothing different about me.  
  
They all shook their heads and we walked to the Great Hall to get a quick breakfast. As I walked in, I smelt the bittersweet smell of winter. Winter was my favorite season of all. We took a seat where we usually sat and I grabbed a biscuit and buttered it. I packed another biscuit into my bag to eat during class. I had done this for the past 3 years.  
  
I felt a pair of eyes on me and had a chill shoot through my spine. I looked around to see who had been staring at me. My eyes landed on James, but it didn't seem as though he had been looking at me. He was in a deep conversation with Sirius. I looked at the other Marauders and I saw Remus. His eyes met mine, but he quickly looked away.  
  
Something about Remus made him seem so.soo.secretive. His eyes held a dark secret that he wanted nobody to know about. I looked at him curiously and James caught me looking at the Marauders. He winked. What an ego-trip! I thought. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"Let's get to class." I said.  
  
"Never want to be late to class huh mudblood? Not worth it really, since you're just a waste of time." Lucius said with his gang behind him. As quickly as he had come, the Marauders quickly stood up with their wands out next to us.  
  
I sighed. "You're wasting your time trying to provoke me Malfoy."  
  
"Awwww.Did daddy teach you violence is not the answer? Or are you just afraid?" Snape sneered.  
  
I jumped up. I could see everyone was trying to refrain James from punching Snape's guts out.  
  
"You know nothing about my father!" I shouted and ran away. Again. I ran to the Astronomy Tower. But this time, I changed into a Phoenix. I transformed and took flight. Peace filled my mind as I soared over the lake. I relaxed from the tension that had been created.  
  
I flew all day, completely forgetting about my classes. I went great distances, but always came back, and then went out again. Once I almost reached King's Cross. And when I came back I saw a raven. Of course I should've known Bridgette would've come after me. I flew to the perch she was sitting on.  
  
I looked around before changing back. No one was there. Then it hit me.  
  
"Oh my gosh! I totally forgot my classes! Oh no! Bridgette what did the classes do today! Tell me!" I said panicking.  
  
She just giggled. "Calm down Lily. I told them that you were sick and they excused you."  
  
"You what?!? But I have to get to class! If you told them I was sick then I can't go to any of the other classes! Oh no!" I said talking to myself more than her.  
  
She snickered. "Lily the bookworm."  
  
"I am not a bookworm!" I said defensively.  
  
"Yeah, right." She said sarcastically. "Just think of this as your day off. You sure need it, that's for sure."  
  
"Hmph." Was all I said.  
  
"I just wanted to check up on you. Are you all right?" She asked seriously.  
  
"Huh? Oh that. Yeah, it's just, you know how it is, and I just wished for that second that I could still have a dad, you know?" I asked sadly.  
  
She put her arm around me. "I could be your dad."  
  
"No thanks." I said, my mood lighter.  
  
"I also wanted to tell you how upset Jamsie poo was." She said teasingly.  
  
I just laughed and shook my head. "Shouldn't you be getting to class, young missy?"  
  
"Oops! I totally forgot! Please don't give me a detention superior prefect!" She said exaggeratingly.  
  
I just rolled my eyes at her. I then remembered that secret door.  
  
*********************  
  
An angry wave surged through me. How dare he pick on her? I thought. I was about to punch him to oblivion when I was refrained by my friends.  
  
"Awwww.Did daddy teach you violence is not the answer? Or are you just afraid?" Snape said with an ugly drawling voice.  
  
"You know nothing about my father!" She yelled with pain. And she ran. I quickly glared at Snape and Malfoy, seeing that they had sneers on their faces, and ran after her. Sirius, Remus, and Peter following me, and then Bridgette, Clarissa, and Amy.  
  
"Shame on you." She said coldly. We all ran to where she was running. We found her going up to the Astronomy Tower. Oh no! I thought. She wouldn't do that again would she? We all stole glances to each other and followed her up the Astronomy Tower. When we got up there, she wasn't there.  
  
I looked down and her body wasn't there either. Where'd she go? I thought. I looked out to the lake and saw a phoenix soaring over it. How often do you see that? I asked myself. I was mesmerized by its beauty. So graceful and elegant. Flying like there's no tomorrow.  
  
Then I felt someone tugging my back. I looked over my shoulder and saw Bridgette pulling me back. I did not restrain. We all walked to our classes in silence. Clarissa, Remus, Peter and Amy usually went to Transfiguration first. Bridgette, Lily, Sirius, and I usually had Herbology first.  
  
What if Lily doesn't come to class? She's never missed a single class since first year.  
  
"Bridgette, do you think Lily will come to class?" She looked startled by me asking her a question.  
  
"Ummm.. I don't think so."  
  
"Where do you think she is?"  
  
"She's uh. just taking a day off."  
  
*********************  
  
What was it again? 3rd floor..Something corridor..and a picture of a lily. Password was my last name. I walked up to the 3rd floor and looked down several corridors. The 7th one I looked down had a picture of a lily on it.  
  
"Evans." I said apprehensively. The door slowly opened and there layed a journal. I picked up the journal as if it were a piece of glass. I opened it up to the first page.  
  
It's been very hard to keep Jonathon from knowing. I have to be especially careful to make sure that I don't do magic in front of him. He's been suspicious of me being a witch for the past few days. But good news is that Lily was born. She's such a beautiful child. I just hope she's a witch as well. I hope that Jonathon and I can work out this relationship. He's changed over the years and now he's a different person than he used to be.  
  
I think I'm going to tell Jonathon about me. I just can't hide it anymore. I don't know how he'll take it, but I wish he'll take it well.  
  
Hope for the best,  
Rachel Evans  
  
I looked up in surprise. She's my mom. My real mom. I became angry. How come Jonathon never told me about this?!? I became overwhelmed with emotions. Confused, angry, sad, anxious, happy, stressed. Wouldn't you be?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
That's it for now! Sorry for the long wait and for the kind of boring chapter. I need you people to tell me if it's good or not. And tell me, who do you like more? Sirius or Remus? I need to see who likes who better for my story. Much thanks!  
  
-(NiobeMatrixGirl)- 


	10. Discoveries

Oh my gosh! I'm soooo sorry! It took me sooooo long! I can't believe it's been like two months for me to update. I may have lost my touch for this chapter, but I'm just getting warmed up.  
  
I moaned loudly as the news was announced. Another ball? Ugh. How many of these are we going to have? Such a waste a time if you ask me. Sure, I've gotten a decent amount of offers, from strangers, but I've always turned them down. Balls are soo boring! I mean, I could be finishing the Daughters of the Moon series instead of dancing and standing around all night.  
  
As I looked around, everybody seemed jolly happy about the upcoming ball. Rolling my eyes at the people's idea of "fun", I took out my mother's journal. I'd been devouring the entries about my mom (damn, my mom writes [or is it wrote?] a lot!) ever since I found it. Like here's one:  
  
I met Jonathon's wife. Her name is Michelle. She is a wicked little brat. I worry for my beautiful girls. Ever since my divorce with Jonathon, I've avoided any type of male species possible. But today was interesting. I met this guy. His name was David Black. He was really nice about my clumsiness ( I accidentally spilled coffee on him) and we just got around to talking. Apparently, he divorced recently too. I didn't tell him I was a witch.I know my habit's horrible about not telling people about things like that but I couldn't bring myself to tell him. (End journal entry)  
  
And in later entries, she says she married.MARRIED David Black. Do you know what that means??? Sirius Black, womanizer, prankster, troublemaker, is my brother! Well, step brother. But still! I cannot believe it. I wonder if Sirius knows?  
  
Yes! Another ball! I whooped. Now the question.Who would I take? I searched around the Great Hall, seeing if anyone caught my eye. Melinda? Naw, she has this way high-pitched voice which drives me crazy. Amelia? Oh no, she has that rash thingy. Ew.  
  
I was making a mental list of who not to ask and who to ask, when I spotted Lily's hair. Her nose was in a book. Which book, I couldn't tell, all I knew was that she was the top of my who to ask list.  
  
"Hey Prongs buddy, who you taking to the ball?" Asked Sirius.  
  
"Errr..I'm thinking about Lily."  
  
Sirius looked at me strangely. "I thought you were over her." How far from the truth he was.  
  
"Errr..no."  
  
I glanced at Lily again, but she had disappeared. I made up some lame excuse that only Sirius could believe to go ask her. Apparently, she had just left. I found her right outside the entrance to the Great Hall.  
  
"Uh.Hey." I asked, all of a sudden nervous. She barely looked up from her book.  
  
"Hey." She replied, distracted.  
  
"So you going to the ball with anyone?" I asked nervously.  
  
(a/n: Ok, I know this is the weirdest place to switch POVs, but I'm going to do it anyways.)  
  
"So you going to the ball with anyone?" He asked nervously. Since when has James Potter been nervous around girls?  
  
"Uh.no. I don't go to the balls." I said, really not interested in this conversation, especially with James.  
  
A puzzled look came across his face because he asked next, "Why not?"  
  
I snapped my book shut. "Because the idea of standing around all night and rocking back and forth with someone that I don't like doesn't appeal to me."  
  
"But balls aren't just that. It's something that you can cherish and remember after you graduate." He protested.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, right." The real reason I didn't go to balls was because this one time I went. The boy who asked me to the dance was just playing a practical joke on me, and I humiliated myself in front of the whole school. That was in third year. Nobody remembered. But I did. And I avoided speaking to that boy again.  
  
Guess who that boy was. James Potter.  
  
After her last comment, I became frustrated. I just realized that I had been rejected. And nobody ever rejected me.  
  
"Going to one ball won't hurt your perfect little self." I replied angrily.  
  
"You don't remember do you? But you wouldn't, now would you? You go through girls like their Kleenex!" She replied, flustered.  
  
"What do you mean, I don't remember? I bet I can remember. Try me." I dared her.  
  
"Alright." Her eyes flashed dangerously. "Third year. First ball ever. I was so excited. And you asked me to the ball. I was even more excited. But when the ball came around, you pretended you didn't know who I was in front of the whole school. It seems you haven't changed much. You're arrogant bastard of a mind can't seem to understand that I-all the girls you've used- have feelings. And you crushed their self-esteem and their hearts." She said menacingly.  
  
I hadn't remembered that. But I didn't show it. "God, have a sense of humor will you? Everyone enjoyed it. And plus nobody remembers it anyways." That was the wrong thing to say.  
  
"I didn't enjoy it. I remembered it." She said, angrier than ever.  
  
"Oh, I messed up your perfect life. You know what Evans, being perfect isn't made out to what it sounds to be. Because perfect is safe is boring. If you never take risks in your life, your life isn't worth living." I know I touched a nerve when I saw her irate face turn into hurt.  
  
"Well, that can be changed, now can't it?" She asked calmer. I had a sense of foreboding. What that meant, I didn't want to know.  
  
I stalked off, his words echoing in my mind. They were haunting me. I needed to escape them. Tears sprang in my eyes, as I ran off to find refuge on the Astronomy Tower. I got there panting and jumped off, transforming into my animagus form. One breath, and it was all gone. For now. I knew it would be waiting for me when I eventually returned.  
  
I flew to King's Cross Station and returned to my human form. I sat on a bench, where the weight of his words came back. This, surprisingly, place had become my favorite of all. It had a mystic look about it without the noise of the passersby.  
  
I took a deep breath, and felt like I was learning to breathe. The air here smelled of worn out wood and metal from the railroad tracks. If you listened closely, you can here the woo of the train and the chatter of the joyful, unaware children.  
  
"Perfect is safe is boring." His words etched into her mind. As she thought about it, she knew what to do.  
  
I realized I had gone too far when I'd said my last comment. I hoped Lily wasn't thinking of doing something stupid. I waited for her until 4 in the morning in the common room. She never came. I noticed her friends were waiting for her as well. They quite earlier.  
  
After analyzing what she had said to me, I noticed something I hadn't before. When she had said "I was so excited. And you asked me to the ball. I was even more excited." That meant she had liked me before. Once upon a time.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I'm sorry I took so long to update and that this chapter was short. And if you review, would you guys please be honest with me? Because I have a nasty feeling my beginning sucks. Thanks!  
  
~*EvanescentLife*~ 


	11. Unusual Happenings

I woke up groggily in the morning from hardly getting any sleep. Then I remembered what had happened last night. Sighing, I went into the shower, hoping to wash away the slumber still in me. After a satisfying shower, I got out and wrapped a towel around me.  
  
I went back into the dormitory and took out a sleeveless, white, naval- bearing top and really, really, low hip huggers. Inside the bathroom, I put my choice of clothes on, ran a brush through my hair, and tied it into a high ponytail with a few strands left to make me look "oh so casual". I put on my eye liner, mascara, and lip gloss and as a last touch, sprinkled glitter on my arms, chest, midriff, and my face.  
  
The outcome looked incredible, even though it was so far off of what I usually look like.  
  
"Bye bye old Lily. Hello new Lily." And with that, I walked out the door to meet very shocked faces.  
  
"Whoa."  
  
"Awesome."  
  
I looked over to Clarissa who had somewhat of a sour look on her face. Apparently, she thought me as a threat. Usually, she has all the guys hanging around her, but I knew she knew that, soon, that would no longer be her place.  
  
But Amy then interrupted our staring contest as she said, "So...What's with the new look Lil'?"  
  
"Oh," I replyed, shrugging. "Just a change of heart I guess."  
  
"Well, whatever the reason, I think you look totally awesome." Bridgette put in.  
  
"Thank you. Now who's up for breakfast?" I said, catching a glimpse of Clarissa before walking out the door.  
  
As we walked down the corridors down to the Great Hall, guys made cat-calls and looked me over, and girls glared at me. Some people had confused looks on their faces saying who is she?  
  
We entered the Hall to another usual breakfast, but for me, it was anything but usual. I sidled into a seat and glanced at the people in the Hall. 'Hmmm...what would the old Lily never do?' And an idea popped in my head.  
  
I got up from my seat and slowly walked to where the Marauders were sitting. I stopped behind Remus and soon all their eyes were upon me, except for Remus, who hadn't noticed anything unusual. I lightly tapped him on the shoulder and when he looked up to me, I kissed him.  
  
The shock on his face was priceless. I whispered in his ear, "Meet me after lunch." And walked away, swaying my hips. You see, I knew he liked me and the old Lily would never have done that before.  
  
I smirked, knowing I had him wound around my finger, but when I sat back down, I didn't realize how much of a disaster I had just caused upon the Marauders.  
  
*******************************James POV*************************  
  
At first I hadn't recognized her as Lily, especially after she randomly kissed Remus, but there was no mistaking her. Before I could see what she did after she kissed Remus, I stared down at my plate, glaring at it.  
  
I now know this is what she had been talking about last night. But I sensed there was still more to come. How much more? What exactly was she planning? When I looked up again, Lily had gone, and Remus was dazed.  
  
I felt like throwing a roll at him, but thought better of it. Instead, I stabbed at my food, pretending the eggs were his face. I know it wasn't fair that I was acting like I was, and that it was Lily's choice to do what she did, but I couldn't help but feel angry with Remus.  
  
The one girl I wanted, I couldn't have, and instead goes off with Remus. He knows I like her but he gets her. Not me. Of course, all the things I said to Lily last night couldn't have helped, but still, I might have a chance. All this kept on going on in my head. By the end of breakfast, I was fuming and left without a word off to my class.  
  
Sirius had tried to talk to me during Transfiguration but I ignored him. Right now, I didn't feel like talking to anybody, because I was afraid I would get even more angry and start to get violent.  
  
Through Herbology, which Lily was in the same class as me, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her and didn't notice my Krollfer (a plant whose leaves are used to make sleeping potions) run away.  
  
"James! James! James, please! Concentrate!" Professor Sprout was nearly screaming at me, chasing after the Krollfer.  
  
I snapped out of my trance and realized what was going on. Soon after, I had caught the Krollfer, who was not at all very happy at being caught and was trying to bite me.  
  
"5 points," Professor Sprout wheezed. "Off Gryffindor, for carelessness."  
  
I blushed of embarrassment for being so unaware and when I caught Lily looked at me she was giggling. At that I flushed even more. But then she winked at me before turning away back to her work. I would have been happy for the rest of the day if, after lunch, I hadn't seen Lily making out with Remus.  
  
**********************************Lily's POV****************************  
  
I can not believe I just had a make out session with Remus! I felt so totally unreal, like I was just another blonde ditz (no offense to blondes). I felt like such a player. I don't even like Remus and yet I had gotten his hopes up that I had!  
  
I felt so rotten that I kind of ran away abruptly during the make out session with Remus. What was I going to do? I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I guess I should have known what I was getting into before I acted on impulse.  
  
But while I was sitting on my bed in the dormitory, thinking about what a fool I was for acting on impulse and what I was going to do, there was a tapping on the window. I looked up, and there was an owl fluttering outside my window. I let it in, and wondering who's owl it was.  
  
I untied the letter on its leg and it flew away, leaving me with it. It had no address on it or no name, so I curiously opened the envelope and unfolded the letter. And I read it, suddenly filled with gloom.  
  
It read:  
  
Dear Lily,  
  
I want you home for Christmas.  
  
Jonathon  
  
I had almost forgotten about my dad and his joy in giving others pain.  
  
Okay...So a very strange chapter I might say, but whatever. I just wrote it on a whim. And I'm sorry for the long wait. Have you also noticed that I use the word "look, looked, looking, and so on a lot? I have. Anyways please review. 


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